The internet trials and tribulations of Helen continue to the point where they now have no access to the world outside at all and not for the forseeable future…….anyone else wants to write anything (new or existing bloggers welcome) please get in touch as there may be a period of calm otherwise

I would write something but I have had rather a trying couple of days…….

Well, mission accomplished and we now have three 250 x 150 mm by 5 metre beams resting across the barn, sitting one end on the new wall and the other end somewhat precariously wedged into gaps in the stone wall that currently divides the house and adjoining barn . This means that we now have a continuous first floor and can walk from where the plasterboard and tools are stored to where we will actually need them without use of ladder - genius!!

The positioning of said beams was a miracle of brawn over brain as we hauled them into position using rope slung over the beams holding up the roof. As we were both rather keen to try and do the job ourselves without calling for help we huffed, puffed and shoved finally getting them in place. I then got Dennis (well over 6 foot) to stand and jump underneath them, thus proving that we do have enough head room for the lounge. It will be a bit on the low side but that is so much more cosy than a room without the risk of concussion at every turn don’t you think?

Having been to the Dournazac fete last weekend we were encouraged by a stall holder who has opened a new improved wine store in the village to bring some friends along to their degustation week. This seemed like a great idea so a few of us crammed into a car and went along. The new shop is lovely and we enjoyed trying the various wines, all really different. We were given a bucket to throw away those that were not to our taste but this was rarely used.

We came back home afterwards and had an impromptu drinking session, and we managed to pad out the chilli that had been tea for the two of us to feed six (further proof should we need it that we eat ridiculously huge portions) and I got rather carried away with vodka and some absinthe that had been a present from Helen, setting fire to just about everything on the table whilst trying to light the sugar cube on the special spoon.

The following day we sobered up rather quickly as it seemed that whilst we had been merrily trying the wines a fox had been merrily tasting our chicken, and has had the mother of our chicks away. Such is the risk we run for allowing the hens the freedom to be completely free range. We hate seeing them penned into their run, even though it is a decent size, but losing one is a hard price to pay. Neil was kicking himself as when he had shut them away the previous night, albeit slightly worse for wear, he had forgotten to take a torch to do the customary head count. It would have been too late to do anything about it of course, but we felt we had neglected our duty.

We haven’t had any time to sit around and mope though as the night after we had a party at sausage Pams, and then the night after that it was a Halloween firework party at Marcus and Lisas. As usual that decended into a karaoke drinking fest and we got home just before 5. Still it did mean that I finally got Neil to take a day off - if only because he felt too rubbish to do anything!!

He is now cracking on with the en-suite which is taking shape nicely - it will be wonderful in the depths of winter not to be lying in bed, desperate for a pee but not wanting to brave the freezing temperatures on the way to the downstairs bathroom!!

Such luxury!!

Well if only a little of Alan’s lack of adventure last week had rubbed off on us at this end happy we would be.

On Saturday morning we woke up to discover that the internet connection had disconnected  ie.  Neuf had done one - as a result of the fact that I had, on the very same day about 7 days ago, simultaneously cancelled our subscription with them and signed up with Orange ( from whom we have heard absolutely nothing since)…not the wisest of moves to do both on the same day and another crap internet provider to boot- well there’s a surprise.

For this reason  - and the fact that we were supposed to have gone down last week and didn’t because of predicted snow - we decided to go to Lyon to see Nicki and Martin ( who have just bought their house near Orange) and to travel down with them to the new house the day after.

It’s easy to forget just how vast France is when in a car with less easy  travellers.  I refer, of course, to our two lovely younger children - who were actually incredibly well behaved for the first leg of the journey to Lyon ( where they found an XBox 360 and a giant trampoline) - but less so yesterday when we had to drive down south in monsoon conditions, listening all the while to Radio Trafic talking us throught the progress of an alert Orange in the south- which was luckily confined to pastures south of Avignon so narrowly missing us - although we did seem to experience the quite violent fallout.  We were blown about quite a bit  coming into Orange, aquaplaned twice on the autoroute and, having been to Sarrians to see the house and drop some stuff off,  ended up in a B+B Hotel on the outskirts of Orange at 5pm in the pitch black, to continued monsoon rain and gale force winds.  Just in time, as it happened, to watch the Grand Prix at 6pm, go to the Hotel Ibis next door for dinner, where an elderly couple of Germans were complaining that the menu hadn’t been translated into their mother tongue - illiciting nil sympathy, has some very nice lamb chops and ratatouille and then back for a James Bond film.  I couldn’t tell you which was it as I was reading a book, but Sophie Marceau was in it - obviously, otherwise they wouldn’t have bothered showing it. 

I could vaguely recommend the hotel, the most evident plus point being that you can get a family room for four (which included 2 singles and a huge double bed - all of which had a good mattress- very importantly!) and a big shower…..although the water wouldn’t warm up.  The woman on the desk assured us that it would be working by the morning,  when we complained to another woman behind the desk, who assured us that it would be working later in the day.  Who cares,  we were off anyway…..although not before breakfast  a highly unrepresentative colour photo of which could be found in the brochure.  Still it’s always good to start the day on a humour high.

The good news of the day is that it has finally stopped raining and we are back in Lyon where the kids have been returned to their Nirvana wherein reside the trampoline and XBox and Matt to his with shower with hot water.  Tomorrow it’s back home to the Limousin and as Alfie mentioned nothing today about an Orange Box arriving I don’t expect that there’ll be a blog….quite possibly for some time!

Every now and again you get a week where literally nothing happens - no really nothing. Which,to someone who only blogs once a week is a bit of a nightmare.

The only things that could conceivably be categorised as “having happened” are that I gained a cold and I managed to avoid all trick or treaters by either hiding and pretending not to be in or simulating having a vicious dog by encouraging George to bark. It did the trick.

Since when did all these Americanisms that now accompany Halloween become acceptable? When I was a kid we used to make lanterns out of turnips (I never even saw a real pumpkin until I was in my late teens!) dunk our heads in great big buckets of water for apples, eat our own body weight in treacle or have great big fancy dress parties.

At my first Halloween party, aged six, my parents dressed me as Darth Vader resplendent in Wellington boots, black cape, papier machier mask and a light saber fashioned out of the tube inside of a roll of tin foil. When I arrived, nobody could work out what I was supposed to be and my cardboard light sabre got wet and became flacid. The scar this left me with has never healed and to this day an invite to a fancy dress party is enough to make me feign illness or claim some prior engagement usually before they have told me the date for the event.

In the office on Friday, everybody (except me) turned up in “Comedy” Halloween fancy dress outfits. There were Ghouls, ghosts, Zombies and Witches, it really was hilarious for about 10 nanoseconds and then really tiresome. Driving home from work through a sea of equally comedic fancy dressers made me realise that the whole Halloween thing has really gathered pace over the last ten years or so.

The rise in popularity of trick or treating has been accompanied by a similar rise in anti-Halloween sentiment from the Christian Fraternity worried that it represents an increased interest in the occult. Our next door neighbours in Manchester are extremely religious and on Thursday they held some kind of ceremony where about 40 people came round to chant things and sing Christian folk songs. So in effect, our house became the “zone of neutrality” between the fancy dress wearing devil worshipers and the acoustic guitar strumming god botherers. All of this was accompanied by the annual onslaught of fireworks, (which starts in August, peaks in November and lasts until Christmas) which was enough to make me long for our rural idyll in the Limousin.

Mels parents are heading over in the next few weeks to get the house ready for Christmas. Our builder Warwick is starting work on the rendering of the barn next week and with just seven weeks to go until we arrive, our souls are pining for simple French life. I’m starting to mentally plan our trip to CarreFour in inordinate detail. Mel has warned me that I need to lose a stone before she’ll allow me to set foot in the door. Therefore I must live my life like a monk for the next few weeks and therefore nothing will happen again and my blogs will become like the musings of Cliff Richard.

Loath as I am to jump onto any careering critical bandwagon, I give you Operaboy (for anyone unaware of their minimal oeuvre) the new lords of indie Britpop (this week) with a hint of the Arctic Monkeys and a dash of the Killers (in my opinion…which is all you’re getting)…..jangly jangly jangly.
If you’re reading this then it’s already two days earlier than it would have been this time on Saturday, in other words today is Thursday but I shall be busy drinking mulled wine and watching fireworks in south west London on Saturday and will not, probably, have time to blog. I could I suppose say to the friends with whom we’re staying, excuse me but I have to go and scour the internet for near naughty pictures and write a stream of consciousness word association football for an hour – see you soon, but it could be construed as rude.

So….little has happened this week as half of it has yet to happen, although it is very cold today. Apropos of the paragraph above I always get somewhat afeared watching time travel films, even ‘Back to the Future’ bought me out in a cold sweat and don’t get me started on Bill and Ted – it’s that whole changing the past, affecting the future, meeting previous version of yourselves rubbish. In general terms I am more in favour of parallel and alternate universes – who isn’t? In fact if the universe truly is infinite and, as a corollary, contains an infinite number of planets, then there is, by definition, a planet somewhere where I am the President of France (hurrah), sadly there is also a planet where I’m a bloke in a dressing gown writing about planets where I’m a bloke in a dressing gown etc – I think the latter is closer to home.

So off to Paris on the train tomorrow morning with our onward journey on the Eurostar cunningly booked to allow time off for some steak frites and a pichet of your finest vin merci – if anyone is at Gare du Nord with time to kill , the brasserie (Terminus Nord, part of the Flo group) opposite, as opposed to every restaurant near every other station in the world, is very very good. In fact this link is very useful and served us well on our honeymoon in Paris when we brasseried every lunchtime and evening for a week as I recall.
Saturday is fireworks and Sunday is a wedding in Richmond Park (indoors hopefully, ha ha ha hahaa ha) Monday will be head nursing and Quantum of Solace and then back to the grindstone of French life on Tuesday. I predict much battening down of hatches and preparation of assorted stews for next week as the weather now feels like it has given up for the rest of the year.

Finally congratulations to Liz and Simon and their new progeny, Amelie – I have erased you from my potential dog sitting list.

Yours from the future living in the past.

As Halloween festivities abound this evening this is an early blog. Still no one has offered to take over the Friday slot - can you believe it. Niall, if you’re reading, I think you may well be the man for the job. I shall await an email….!

The pumpkin (courtesy of Judith and Ian) has been sculpted and adorned with some plastic Mr Potato head type accessories sent by my mum from Tescos – which spared the yearly disappointment which always results from my pathetic artistic endeavors, and a pumpkin pie is in the making.

Alfie and punky accountant are at Gouhaut again today. They came back at lunchtime and proudly announced that they had finished painting the first bedroom. Matt phoned after lunch, having arrived there to check out the work, to tell me that they had used about 15litres of Dulux Valentine on a room just over 3 x 3m with a sloping ceiling…..

Holiday tomorrow, which means nothing given that it’s Saturday – except that the shops if open at all will be shut by midday. Matt has also decided to ‘attrape la grippe’ – catch flu or something similar – handily coinciding as it will with his cooking night on Saturday. The lengths that man will go to are astounding.

No headway has been made in plot progression for the Gibson Les Paul video competition. The only constants so far are the Diamond Skull mask and the dog playing an agent of the devil. Not hugely engrossing as it stands but I’m sure after a couple of glasses of wine…..

Right, I have to go the ghouls have arrived.

Well, although not exactly a deluge, it did snow this morning which still counts. So 1 to us, 0 to the unbelievers….you know who you are…Kevin…..amongst others.

Alfie and punky accountant managed to rouse themselves this morning at 8am, despite the freezing weather, and went to work at Gouhaut on the promise that we’ll pay for them to stay somewhere with proper beds at the weekends. Punky, who was painting, really enjoyed himself. He’d never done anything like it before but enjoyed the time to think, apparently…which felt like a small triumph. It also meant that he didn’t have to feel bad about asking for fag money. Tonight we all win.

Etienne, Louis and I went off this morning to buy a birthday present for Mathilde, a school friend whose house they were going to in the afternoon. As it was advertised (by phone the day before) as a party, we all assumed that it was her birthday and ended up buying a ‘memorable’ piece of jewellery which Etienne thought she’d like. As it turned out it wasn’t her birthday at all - which probably explains why her mother looked so confused when we turned up with a gift wrapped box and Etienne’s electric guitar and amp (at the request of friends). That left the whole afternoon free to (instead of doing the admin. or whatever else I should have been doing) trying to download Halloween sound effects for the video we’re trying to do. Being creative it seems isn’t as easy as people make out, even with the internet and without the kids. My piece de la resistance today was making a mask of Damian Hirst’s Diamond skull (with added glitter effects) for Matt to wear in his role as ‘the devil’. Here, too, the dog puts his own slant on the role of Mephistopheles.

Firstly this week I have to offer abject apologies for my blog omission last week. In my defence I can only say that we were still in London and a tad busy loading the van (mostly with baked beans it would seem) and preparing for the long trundle back down to the Limousin. Other than that I guess I can only offer early onset dementia and associated forgetfulness as a supporting mitigation. I dont suppose my aimless drivel was particularly missed although Roz has raised the bar considerably with her last two stand in offerings so I’d best try to make this vaguely interesting and relevant to life this side of the pond.

Our drive down was in glorious sunshine. and the sight of the beautiful rolling countryside of the Creuse and Haute Vienne that greeted us twelve hours after leaving was very welcome. Having spent three weeks entirely surrounded by concrete and leaden skies my spirit lifted and I was reminded again of the benefits of our disjointed but delicious lifestyle.

We were both completely fatigued the next morning and the prospect of unloading the van was one which was averted at each opportunity. Inevitably the desire to look at our new toys ( in my case a new chop saw, a mortice machine and a set of router cutters and in Roz’s, the last three editions of Heat) overcame our reluctance and soon the house was littered with bags, boxes,bacon, tea bags (4200) , Red Leicester and Chedder (8kg) and tins of beans (176). We also managed to find space in the van for our three piece suite ( even though its only a two piece) which we have been seperated from for nearly four years now, so to have that back in our house is a momentus occassion.We also loaded into the van our Judith’s long awaited range cooker which she was ever so excited about getting. I think a dinner invitation is just around the corner.

Today is beautiful. We have enjoyed simple pleasures such as trudging across the frosty grass to let the chickens out and watching four large jets of warm air billow out of the horses noses as they wait expectantly for their feed. I chased Tess around the garden in my dressing gown which in other environments may have had the neighbours wishing me locked up for the night, but no such problem here. I can air my idiosychronicies here with abandon. My only mild concern is that our mate Martin may whizz past in his van and that guy doesnt miss anything. Once he has something to report he is amazingly diligent in his distribution.

Talking of Martin, Roz got him to come down and install a velux for us while I was away which has been a great motivator as that means I can (but probably wont any time soon) get on with building the partition walls for the en-suite and then putting the loo in. It is imperative really considering we have both sets of parents coming for Xmas. Im hoping I may be able to get another window in soon so we can actually see where we are upstairs. I have tried eating carrots but that just isnt helping with this degree of darkness.

At the weekend we collected about 7 kg of chestnuts and had them processed at nearby Dournazac, home of the annual chestnut fete. It is a really good fete but so incredibly busy that it was difficult to enjoy it this year. Instead we came home and made chestnut soup which is absolutely delicious. I can see it being a regular in our house, particularly as the freezer is now full of chestnuts! At the fete we met our local wine merchant selling chestnut beer which I tried. It really was very good. He told us to visit his shop in the village which we will do later today as he has a wine tasting session….this could end up very messily.

Today we are making way for the first of the large old beams that will carry the first floor. They are pretty heavy but I think we should be able to manage between Roz and I. If not we can always recruit Dennis, the worlds most willing and available vounteer. Friends are brilliant aren’t they. This is also an exciting event for us as it means we will be able to link the first floor together and access the entire floor without the need of a ladder. Little things eh?

As predicted but three days ago Alfie’s return, with Alexandre – the punk accountant?!§! - has already reached it’s nadir. This doesn’t bode well given the prevailing weather conditions and the fact that they, and another friend who has been staying next door too since Friday, have no money.
Matt has tried to find jobs for them to do but we don’t have any spare cash either and it seems that Alfie is keeping the other two in food and fags and will be for the next 10 days, which should be interesting to watch.

I bought them food and beer for the week this morning ( so that I could make sure they were getting something with a vitamin in it) and in return asked Alfs if they would move the delivery of wood into the garage. Not a huge task for young three men in their prime, you’d have thought. Punky accountant didn’t even bother to make an appearance – presumably not wanting to get his clothes ripped.

Ten minutes after they’d finished Alf turns up to ask if he can borrow Matt’s van to go into Firbeix and buy fags as he has no petrol in his car. No was the obviously answer to that and he went off in a huff saying that he’ll be phoning then when he breaks down. I don’t think he can see anything wrong in asking to use our petrol to ferry his friends around on a fag run.

I took over half of our apple crumble last night and this morning found that not one of them had even had a spoonful. They will pay….

In other news – the school holidays have started! It already feels as if they’ve been off for atleast a week and that despite the fact that Etienne was out from 8.45am until 6.30pm on Saturday doing a football tournoi in Limoges and both he and Louis spent the afternoon at a friend’s house yesterday afternoon.
We have been trying to think of an idea for a video to submit for a competition so that Etienne can try and win a Gibson Les Paul Goldtop ( signed by non other than Slash himself) which he has been saving up to buy for the last year. It’s not as easy as it first sounded. Instead we seem to be spending much of the time playing ridiculous games to pass the time. Herewith a photo of Matt and Louis at the kitchen table has now been taken over for ping pong purposes.

We almost forgot last night that the clocks were going back. Its always a source of excitement when you remember that you are eligible for an extra hour in bed. I say eligible because I’ve chosen not to spend my hour in bed this year. I’ve decided that is a waste of a perfectly good hour and I’m going to ‘pocket’ mine and use it throughout the week.

Say I’m running ten minutes late on the way to work I could use a bit there to recover the time.Or…..If I stay up watching some late night documentary like “Dogs with jobs” or “When Pets go bad” on Discovery and that documentary is not particularly good, then the Phrase I would normally employ would be “theres half an hour of my life that I’ll never get back”. However, with my extra hour  I really could get that half an hour back. I cant believe I haven’t thought of this before. Genius.

I’ve offered to buy Mels hour from her but she said she wants to keep it for when she’s getting ready for the Christening that we’re going to this afternoon. It always takes her an age to get ready for something like this and she has decided to fritter her whole hour on it, which I think is just wasteful, particularly during a recession.

George the Prozac pooch, is using his hour to watch squirrels in the Garden. They are everywhere at the moment, gathering food for the winter ahead and this morning they are unbelievably busy. I wonder if they hadn’t realised that clocks have gone back and if the startling realisation has spurred them into frenzied action. Whatever, George is none too keen and he wants to use his hour to fend them off. You can tell by the movement of his head and the 10,000 yard stare in his eyes that he is thinking about what he would do to them if he got hold of one. I’m not a massive squirrel fan (Squirrelist??) but it make me shudder to imagine the carnage.

This afternoon we’re attending a Hindu Christening. I’m not sure exactly what the format is for this type of thing but I’m certainly looking forward to finding out what occurs. I’ve been told that I might have to wear a turban which I think might be a wind up. Mel said that she wouldn’t be able to contain herself and has promised a photograph on this blog if that is the case. I am though, really looking forward to the social afterwards and am saving my appetite for the anticipated spread of Indian fare. If its really good I may spend some of my hour there………

The weather reports from France contrast sharply with the early winter that we’re experiencing right now. I travelled to London on Thursday sans coat and was made to regret that decision the moment I stepped off the train. People with 25 layers on were leaning into the wind and staring at me like I was some kind of crazed northerner, like the ones you see on TV at football matches, bare-chested, twirling their shirts around their heads whilst Arctic winds blow snow around their nether regions. I was the business equivalent in my flimsy inadequate suit.

Given Helens newly revealed weather forecasting skills and her outlook for the weeks/months ahead, I shall make sure that I’m not so poorly prepared for our festive France jaunt and may even make a trip to one of the few remaining  shops that haven’t closed due to the recession. In fact, I could visit one of the Ski Wear shops which are proving very popular, with queues of people outside who have all realised that it would be cheaper to walk around the house in Sallopettes, Snoods and Ski jackets rather than turn the heating on.